A Dark Moment ~ Day of Days 10

Day i rather forget December 31, 2008 The day my grandmother slipped into eternal peace.
There is my grandmother above ...i wrote a blog a few days after her funeral in 2009 and if your interested read it here A Dark Moment still miss her daily and hope she is proud of what I have become. I'm done.

Yahoooooooo!! 360 ~Day of Days 9

I actually discovered the Internet when i was introduced to Yahoo Messenger and almost right away i was invited to good ole Yahoo 360 when it launched. *Rolls eyes* Not gonna lie I loved it when I first got on there. I only added who I knew. I started to witness lots of drama and a bunch of freaks. I first started writing and sharing a few poems on that lovely network and enter a few lil contest on there with folks obviously more skilled than me.

Yahoo360 was a way to escape the real world for me. I met some nice folks and some strange folks who even after the site went down we still stayed afloat. I had joined the Multiply and MySpace after it and now I'm part of plenty more networks. I have to say it was a great experience and i have been able to mosey around these networks unharmed by the wackos and drama queens....partly cause homegirl don't play that...

Nurse Betty to ICU ~ Day of Days 8

I wanted to be a nurse since i was a child. I've always been fond of nurses and I  said i wanted to be a Pediatrician but that went out the window when i discovered my lack of patience for unruly children. When i entered the workforce i was more in the management field (food and housekeeping) then i struck out to be a Medical Assistant so i could get my foot in the door of the hospital. They offered tuition reimbursement  and a sign on bonus so it was worth a try. 

Over the 11+ years i have been there i soon discovered...nursing is getting more difficult. More folks get in this field for money than the core of nursing. Caring, comforting, nurturing, and compassion.  Unfortunately that has turned me away from returning to school. Not only will i be jacking up my finances i would be submitting my kids to some hard times which we have done one too many times. Not excuses just pure facts. Maybe i'll go back when they graduate.

It was my dream to be a nurse but i will accept what i have for right now. I work with some incredible people helping to make big changes in solid organ transplant patients. I still get to show all those values i got in the medical field for....

My First Bestie ~ Day of Days 7

I have friends that i call sisters. I have associates that I've called friends. I don't have a best friend. I have many friends. No, I'm not sparing any ones feelings. I'm being perfectly clear. I am my only best friend. I don't lie to myself, i don't let myself down. I love on myself with no conditions. I don't judge or second guess myself. People fail you. So i chose to stay my own best friend. I love everyone involved in my life and those who cherish my friendship as much as I cherish theirs. It only took me 36 years to realize that.

Big Mac, Filet-o-Fish, Quater Pounder, French Fry... Day of Days #6

My first job was good ol McDonalds!!! Yep i worked for the clown. 

My first day was busy they put me on the front line the first damn day. It was Saturday in 1994 and this particular store was in an area highly populated area of Polish and Asian folks. Did i mention they all had Buckeye cards? My morning was full of refilling their damn cups and wiping up spills (coffee and syrup). By 11 o'clock i was dog tired. I was only 17 so i could only work 4 hours. Do you know this bitch Tiffany who was the shift manager fixed her lips to ask me to stay. I told her i couldn't my mother was expecting me home plus my work permit was solid 4 hours only. She said well you don't look 17? Yeah i think she was a bit jealous of my bodacious young body cause she looked like a donkey in the face. I ended up quiting that job after 2 1/2 weeks because i was done playing with that little twit. She called me off two days straight. Then when i came in to quit she said i had to wait for the store manager. I said really and threw the uniform at her and told them to mail me my check and i was reporting her to my guidance counselor so they didn't send anyone else over there. I enjoyed my free fries and filet-o-fish  but they pay sucked and the manager suck even more. Thank goodness i was graduating that next month and found a better job with the Cleveland Indians. 

Smiley Faces and Butterflies.... Day of Days #5

So im supposed to write about my first love...ive decided to share a old blog challenge with you instead of rehashing the past. 

Here goes my post from the Love and Truth Challenge:

 love was a good one….his name was Thomas, he was older than me son of a respected police officer and prominent family. They liked me pretty much and our families lived right across the street from each other.

He was so handsome and smart and a sports nut. He never was mean to me and always treated me with respect. We never had sex because of course I was a virgin at the time and he didn’t wanna rush me (I’m sure he was getting it elsewhere). He didn’t force me to do anything.

We had sessions of foreplay and almost went there but at 16 it wasn’t gonna happen. Thank goodness he left for the Navy when he did; I’m sure I would have been his wife or baby mama if he stayed around. He made a great kisser out of me and assisted in me knowing that a man will wait for the goodies.

I saw him recently after he was discharged from the Gulf War and he was pretty jacked up mentally. Not the man I remembered. We had a conversation and I had the chance to tell him thank you for being a good boyfriend, to a shy girl who didn’t know nothing about being in love until he came around… he broke in the tom girl.

…Budda

Strut across that Stage H.S... Day of Days #4

High School was a blur for me maybe cause i attended 3 different ones in a two year span. I actually graduated from South High School in Cleveland Ohio Home of the flyers and now closed permanently. Mom was going through a divorce at the time and trying to get on her feet. My best memory is the day i graduated from high school. I am my mothers only child that finished school. My mom didn't finish high school she dropped out in the 11th grade because she was pregnant with my brother. She did go back get her GED and went to school for business while we were younger. She was so so proud of me and even tho no one showed up but her and my little sister it was the best day ever. I didn't care about nothing that happened in high school over the 4 years i was just glad i got over a hurdle many people at the time were not. I had a job, a diploma and some high hopes. That's my high school memory.

Middle School ~ Day3

My memories from middle school was being a part of the Carl F Schuler drill team in the 7th and 8th grade. We had such a good time. Our instructor was a drill sergeant in the military i believe. We went to all the competitions and every game for the basketball team. I wanted to be a high stepper but i was too damn shy. I wish i could find a pic from that time. Guess ill Google the year book and find myself. Another memory is that we got bused from the east side to go to this school. Not too much from these awkward years. 

It's Elementary...my friend ~ Day 2

Welp  couldn't find any pics from elementary school but this looks like around the time i was. Me and my sis when we were in Philadelphia with our raggedy Ann and Andy dolls in this picture. I actually attended Miles Park Elementary school here in Cleveland Ohio when my mom moved us back here. I was "put up" because California education was way past Cleveland standards so that was short time i was there. 

I enjoyed it from what i can recollect. My only memory is  i only got paddled once on my hand by this teacher name Mrs. Tomko for talking in class and she was the one apologizing to my mom. Corporal punishment is real lol, but my mom wasn't having it. I remember the day i graduated form the 4th grade was the day i first started my period just short a few months of my 10th birthday. Had on white and everything. Tragic...my mom had to teach me on the spot how to use a sanitary napkin. I didnt want to sit down afterwards. Smh...That's all i can remember bout that time.

First Memory... Day 1

First day is containing your first memory. 
The first memory is have is coming to Cleveland with my mother from Sacramento California on the Amtrak i was about 9-10 on this pic. Above are my siblings. My father was in the Navy and he had been discharged and we were running out of income and what not. So my mom packs us up and gets on the train to bring us here. We were not raised here My brother was 8 months when my mom married my dad. He was stationed in Illinois where my mom had me. We moved to Philly when he was stationed there (sis was born) and then he got lucky and we were in California. All i recall is us being subjected to weather we were not used to, people we were never around and life without our father. My uncle a Vietnam Vet and  grandmother tried to make us comfortable and i recall our first meal with her when we got to Cleveland was grits and scrambled eggs mixed in a big bowl with cheese. First we looked at it as strange then she said and i quote "It's all going the same damn place anyway now get something on that fork (in a southern drawl)" I've been hooked every since. Those are my first significant memories as a child...being moved around a lot. Day one.

CHALLENGE 30 DAY....

You can take the poster (the above pic) and place it on your blog for the first day...after that, you can be creative and use whatever picture relates to what it is you're blogging on that day. You can invite whomever and how many you please. Hopefully, we'll all visit one another and be a support system...reminding each other to write and share.

Without further ado...here's the list of the days:


#1- a day containing your earliest memory

#2-a day in elementary school

#3- a day in middle school

#4- a day in high school

#5- the day you first fell in love

#6- the day you first held a job

#7- the day you found your first best friend

#8- a day you realized what you wanted to do/be

#9- the day you discovered the Internet

#10- a day you'd rather forget

#11- the day you lost someone important (living or deceased)

#12- a day you wish you could do over

#13- a Christmas Day memory
#14- the day you hate to see coming

#15- the day you graduated (choose any that you remember most)

#16- the day of a child's birth (family or close friends apply)

#17- a day where you helped someone in a big way

#18- the last day of your first adult job

#19- your favorite day of the week and why

#20- the most memorable day of your childhood

#21- the day you met your most recent/or last love

#22- a day with the family you'll never forget

#23- the day you turned 21

#24- a memorable summer day

#25- a day you're currently planning for

#26- the day someone left and never came back (not death related)

#27- a day in your life (explain an average day of yours)

#28- the day you had your first fight. why?

#29- what you were doing today

#30-your proudest day to date

#31- Bonus Day: Pick a day you haven't described and share

I'M 100% IN IT!!! STARTS TOMORROW

Thank God it's over.. Happy New Year

I think i have blogged enough in 2012 and i don't really feel the need to dwell on what i have already spilled all year. I am truly just dealing with what i have on my plate currently. 

I have endured so much pain this year and some of it was self inflicted and the rest i allowed someone to give me. I just want to live, love, and be happy. It's there for me i just have to grab it and hold on to it. I never ever want to negate the things i did this year. Everyone has things they regret and things they would never take back cause at the time it was worth it. I never want to speak a word of the bad things that happened this year. It gives it too much life. I'm ready to move on and be happy with me. Not a man, not a situation, not anything i cannot control. 

I bought into that ride or die bullshit this year. Not for me babes. I will never go as far  i did this year. Yea i got alot of happy moments out of it, but i also took alot of stuff that i normally would have thrown up the peace sign on. All in the name of love. It's time to give this fragile heart to take a break and get herself together. Lots of lonely nights behind me and many in front of me...but i won't have to worry bout nobody but me and my kids well being.

I've learned alot about the people around me. I know who i can trust, i know who i can confide in, and i know who is wishy washy. I may not say anything but i always observe everything that's said or done in my presence. Face value. Your friend have friends that they share information with. You may think its only between you and that person but its not. I chose to keep my shit to myself that way no one has a case of the "damn it slipped out" moment. Be a real friend if it doesn't have nothing to do with the other party then they need not know. 

My family is wonderful they really helped me keep my spirits up this holiday season cause i was going down fast. God is awesome cause i had no plans this year. He sent my cousin up here and sent my good friends out to kick it with me. I do really think it was him. I prayed for a decent birthday even if i was in the house chillin and i got it. Christmas was smooth and New Year's I'm going to drink a few glasses of wine in my living room and kiss the drama of 2012 goodbye. 

In conclusion i did publish my own poetry book available now on www.createspace.com/3816107 its called As The Budda Flows and the link to the book and the Kindle version is available on the side bar of both blogger pages. thanks to those who have supported me over the years. I will be releasing another erotic poetry book around Valentine's Day. 

Have a happy prosperous New Year to all my readers thanks for being apart of my world.

I need a Reset....only if it was that easy

Hmmmm.... i have so much that i don't like right now. I wish i could not care about anyone anymore. I hope those who have pissed me off lately know..i wont be carrying them over into 2013. I have grown very uninterested in reading or contributing to anything as of lately. It always turns out that someone will always take me being direct the wrong way. I'm not being a bitch, I'm being completely honest. I have respect for others feelings, but not sympathy for the things you can control. Sugar coating shit has never been one of my best personality traits. Go head analyze what i write..correct my grammar...judge my writing style. This isn't high school or college. I'm not awaiting approval from no body. Everything i write the way i talk...freely.

I said i was getting tired of the cyber world as far as FB goes i will be limiting my time to my groups. I barely read or comment on other peoples post cause it ain't worth it. Just like i was told don't post in a public forum and not expect everyone to have a different take on you. I define me. I don't and won't allow people to tell me who i am. Who i gotta be, what's OK to say. Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on. Flat out I have a different take on life. I am going to take my power back. I have allowed so much extra to consume me. This isn't a resolution it's a life change. Most cant say that with a straight face i can and will. I'm erasing my phone contacts and keep the numbers of those i do talk to, those i text, those i Tango with...because they communicate back with me...not just when they see a off the wall status of mine. 

See I'm pressing the restart button. I allowed the devil to change my whole life this year. Not a person the actual devil. I allowed things to get topsy turvy. I shut down on the one person who has been down for me cause i was fighting with this demon. I have to take some of the blame cause Lord knows i wasn't thinking clearly. One night i prayed for clarity and whew chile did i get a big kick in the face. Lost a friend (she lost me) and started letting insecurity into my relationship. I don't know how much God was in that but it happened so quick. I have opened the door to my future...it's not going to be an easy ride but i am going to try my best to keep it together. My children tell me all the time that they are happy and comfortable. I need to chill. I will never get to comfortable ever cause when i do the shit goes all bad.

You can't help who you love but you can help who you allow to be in your life. Love isn't a reason to stay together. I've said that before. I have zero interest in starting over. I don't want to be nothing but friends. This has been a rough one for me. I just want to be happy with Angie first. I'm back to working out, i try to eat right, and i try to keep my health on track. Once all that gets back into sync i will be a happy camper. Notice i didn't make anyone responsible for my happiness...it starts with me i get it! Yesterday was a bad day for me...i was angry and didn't know why. I am up typing this at 5am. I've been up every morning at this time on my off day. My thoughts are swirling around..i will put those on paper, they don't belong out here. For those who stop by and peep what i write thanks. For those who make snide comments in their blogs in reference to me Thanks...its my shit i do what i please Got It? It's all love boo. Smooches. 

wouldn't it be nice!!

Goin' through some changes...

I’m going through some changes cause I can’t get what I need at home. After being separated from him for the last 8 weeks I have had time to think and we have had time to talk one on one and get our issues out on the table. This space is driving us both crazy. He handling it better (so i think he is) not cause he has moved on but because he has been confined and away from the ones he loved before. He is now trying to get his life together so he can be the man I want and he needs to be. Where does that leave me? Lonely and missing him like crazy. He was my comfort. If the world was driving me crazy it was his arms I laid in and cried and prayed and felt love from. It was his kiss that made me feel like a little school girl. His smile or wink that put a little extra pep in my step. Yeah things were going all the way bad but it wasn't that bad. I don’t think I’m wrong for putting my foot down and not allowing my feelings and concerns to be put on the back burner. My delivery however could have been better. I came at him with such anger and disrespect I see how he felt I didn't have any type of respect for his feelings. The day before he left to go out of town to work he made love to me (more passionate than before) and held me so tight kissing me on my neck and telling me he loved me…I didn't even think we would end up here. I guess he had to do what he had to do before he started hating me. This year I have said how bad things were for me but he has been there for me. Hook or crook and I haven’t acknowledge that fact. He has endured a lot of my anger, pain, and sadness. I didn't even think about that. I’m in therapy for some issues I’m going through and he has come up in those convos. I really feel I have pushed him away. I don’t think it was easy for him. My children were very confused about him being gone cause we never involved them in our spats, they were clueless. They knew  mommy was happy and he was one of the reasons.

Reason for me writing this is simply to say…I have had time to think through some things and I’m acknowledging I did some wrong. I got back into a relationship with a person whose work persona limits how much of his personal life needs to be known. That when you get involved with a person who is in the “adult entertainment” field sometimes the extra that goes on is what brings the cash into the home. Nothing disrespectful…but the flirting the extra conversation is necessary…I get it. My beef with anyone who has a good woman who has your back and will be there when you are not your best needs not to hang in the background for long. You gotta put the persona up and make her feel like the only girl in the world. You gotta allow her to feel spoiled and important. This goes for anyone who is in the entertainment field. Period. When it creeps into your home and causes doubt then you need to straighten it out asap. Don’t even give her a chance to think about any other person being able to ruin a happy home.

Listen I’m not all that. I’m not thin (never will be) I’m not rich (in money) I’m not the easiest woman to convince (I’m bout action) what I am is a great woman. I take care of my kids, maintain my bills, keep a job,  love God, and I love you from my soul…those are qualities that I am proud of. I will always do right by the people I love. I will still do right even if you do me wrong. I’m not going to be disrespected and never going to be treated like anything less than a lady. I miss my other half…and he misses me but we both know we gotta get things together. I want to carry his last name. I want to be the motivation behind the scenes. I want him to be who and what he told me he would be. We just need to be on the same page…right now we are not. Too bad so sad. God will have the last word on this situation… I've placed my worries,fears, tears, and questions on his altar. My regret now is involving outside people in our spats. Sometime they can drive and wedge with their opinions and/or assumptions of your situation. That was the first and last time i will entrust sensitive information about anything to anyone period. 
What will be, will be i believe  Love never fails…we do. Thanks for reading.

Check this...

I'm so not in a good mood right now It's nothing like reading something and knowing it is directed at you. You know it is cause your words are quoted word for word. I consider myself an open person. I don't hold too much back and I'm sure people can pretty much ignore what i write. Whether I'm on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Tumblr i say what the fuck i want to say. I do exactly what others say is "too much". No one is reading my stuff....half the crap i post is for my own therapy. So unsubscribe, delete, block or whatever you need to do if you don't care to see it. Its like someone saying SHUT THE FUCK UP NO ONE CARES WHAT YOUR MISERABLE ASS IS GOING THROUGH.  That's fine. I have a lot of things going on in my head and sometimes i want to share and sometimes i just keep it to myself. I can only tell those who disapprove of what's posted to please stay off my shit. Plain and simple. I won't judge what you do and i expect you to step off mine. Whether I'm happy in love, going through a storm or just spilling my guts about what going on in my life...I'm the best person to tell it. I'm the author, narrator, and orchestrator of my life. Bottom line it belongs to me and if i want the www to hear it I'm going to continue to do me. I don't expect anyone to give a shit really. 

Spilt milk....message to the fellas

I'm sure y'all see all my updates and things and I'm in a mood right now. Sometimes you gotta do things you don't want to do. I hate to see anyone else going through a situation that they have the power to change. I always want to offer advice but never tell anyone what they should do. I took alot of things into account when i first started writing this note. 

 i don't live in a fairy tale world. I don't boast or brag about anything that's not going on. I really truly have had a some great times in 2012. I've had a roller coaster of emotions come over me this year. I have felt like i was the luckiest woman and I've felt like i was the being taken for granted. I want to send a message out to the fellas:

Fellas if you have a woman who can see past anything in your past and accept what you are and where you are trying to get to appreciate that woman. there are too many women out here giving away there body and soul for a couple of minutes of pleasure or some monetary bullshit. I'm 35 and i don't have time for that shit. I have a job i have children i have responsibilities. I rely on no one but God for anything. when i woman says i will hold you down and she shows you...you need to spring into action and do whatever you can to keep her happy. She needs to feel what you feel. SUPPORT. She needs to know there isn't a woman in the world that can make you walk away from her. She NEEDS to see some action...let me repeat ACTION. You can have the gift of gab with these hoes a real woman ain't gonna fall for that. She might not say it out loud but TRUST she is watching, listening and waiting for you to SHOW her you are real.Its hard out here right now. People losing jobs, families falling apart, and people are losing their mind. This isn't the time to be SELFISH in any relationship. If you truly LOVE TRUST RESPECT HONOR AND APPRECIATE  that woman SHOW HER or you will lose her and her trust and respect. 

I'm a strong beautiful black woman. I hurt, i bleed, i get angry, i pop off, i vent, i sing, i cry, i write, i love, i nurture....what i don't do is play a fool for anybody. It's not in my DNA. I really truly wish this year was ending on a better note. I was supposed to be planning a wedding right now. I was supposed to be celebrating an anniversary in November. But just like that POOF. Spell was broken...I'm not perfect but what i am is real. I take full responsibility for not cutting this madness sooner. But love is a powerful drug. Not wanting to give up and not wanting to see failure clouded my impulse to just walk away. We shared some great days and some special nights...that person was there for me at the toughest times of my life and that showed me this wasn't fake. It just may not be the right time. Maybe God wanted us to be... i needed him and he needed me. One of us lost their way. If God see's fit maybe we will have another chance to get it right..maybe its the end. Who knows. Fellas i hope you received this. I typed this with no tears in my eyes and no hate in my heart...i found love and i don't regret one minute of it.

I must be a fool...or it's just you

"Telephone line

I sit by and wait for your call

here all alone

wondering who you're talking to 

Maybe I'm a fool in love

Maybe I'm a fool in love

Maybe I should just give up

I'm just a fool in love

Must be a fool in love."

Feeling like a plum dumb fool right now...not a new feeling but a uneasy feeling. Sometimes giving your best ain't good enough. Its like some are so use to the world being  against them they don't know how to handle it when someone has their best interest at heart. You want them to succeed and have something to be proud of. Give them the opportunity to hold their head high even if its not the best circumstances. We all need the support love and even the honesty from the ones they love. Its called unconditional love.When you are programmed in your head that "i'm right and everyone else is wrong" you clearly have life messed up. Obviously your ducks are not completely in a row if shit still is not going in a positive direction. I'm not into kicking people when they are down..never have never will cause i know what that feels like. I'll give a person my last so they won't go hungry angry or be embarrassed but will they go the extra mile for me? Not that i ask for reciprocation for everything i do, but you really do get tired of the lack of support and the extra bullshit that you don't really gotta go through to show a person that you care. Its indeed getting old....real old.

Love and Truth Challenge revisited (sort of)

So i was revisiting a challenge I participated in and i really wish i had an opportunity to revisit this one but that was a tough one to go through. I really truly wish that there were more good than bad things to mention when it comes to matters of the heart. I have learned by re-reading them i am making some same mistakes in my current relationship. Difference is we have a tighter bond than my prior relationships. 

Hindsight... baby is a motherfucker. I got people calling me and telling me I haven't left their mind and they couldn't really move on after doing me wrong. Some just bluntly throw the new chick up in my face like i care. I actually pray for a better outcome for them. I have been bitten by the love bug and spit out like old gum way too many times. I have the experience to know that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...the muthafucka is a duck. You cannot rewrite a bad novel and resale it to me....with a new cover. 

I really do have mad love for my man right now. I want him to be successful. I want him to feel like he deserves me. Yes DESERVES me. I will no longer belittle my worth for any type of love. I want to be his wife one day but i want all demons and all that out his system. I will not go into another year feeling the way i did mid way through this year. Yeah i know it has its ups and downs but like I've said in many blogs I'm not into roller-coasters and i will get off when I'm ready. No man on this Earth will have the chance to say i got my way with her and didn't have to work for it.

I'm starting to worry more as i grow older but i shouldn't. What will be will be. I worry bout bills, kids and health. I crave stability. I'm talking bout that $200million dollar security. It's coming... maybe not the money but i will have my stability. Come hell or high water baby i claim it. I'm not going to suffer, be bitter, or go into some anti-man shell fuck that.

Love and the Truth will set you free....

Those who still stop by my blog and drop a line or two thank you those who breeze by thank you too nosey butt. Goodnight y'all.

Untitled...

Destiny is what brought us close

we are turned on by the sound of each others voice

the whisper of i love you in the loudest room

comes crystal clear to my ear

makes my heart skip a beat

makes me feel the sonic boom

i justify my feelings from the spinning of this room

I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love

on repeat surround sound too

breathing slowly so i can turn down this tune

insatiable is how i feel when I'm with you

I'm lost in your arms

i swoon like the movies

from some things you do

i never knew a love like this before

hmmm i should say true

you simply satisfy me

you make me feel good

you sing the sexiest serenade

you make the hakuna matata ooze

purr even a sudden monsoon

you make love to every inch

every limb

you perform the whole set

no censor no mute button

just me the camera and you

many would think i worry cant i trust you

the question is if your word is your bond

I'm gone ride or die for you too.

~Lykebudda2012~

Back to Business...

im an open book

 but i desire to close it

things are hard for me noone knows it

cause the strong woman in front of you has plenty of aches

has plenty of pains

has a lot of loss

but so much more to gain

the spirit of love is in a frenzy

the spirit of hate has risen up in me

the spirit of self doubt offends me

the angel of self love is dimming

trial and tribulations are deep

gets me restless

depriving me of sleep

the thought of my future often looks bleek

cause i have some monster hiding inside of me

i cant let him have Angie

thats not what God has placed before my feet

the strength of a man indeed 

to take on anything that tries to hinder me

evaluating my surroundings 

know i have so much more heaven around me

i need to take in the good air

and leave those demons to fight

they never fight fair

this pen has been in cessation

but i have something to say

some real shit for your ass expression....get ready for this trip

Lykebudda is back scribing with a mission

to save you all from the bs

its time to bring the wrath....its time to get back to business.

~Lykebudda2012©~ all rights reserved