Goin' through some changes...

I’m going through some changes cause I can’t get what I need at home. After being separated from him for the last 8 weeks I have had time to think and we have had time to talk one on one and get our issues out on the table. This space is driving us both crazy. He handling it better (so i think he is) not cause he has moved on but because he has been confined and away from the ones he loved before. He is now trying to get his life together so he can be the man I want and he needs to be. Where does that leave me? Lonely and missing him like crazy. He was my comfort. If the world was driving me crazy it was his arms I laid in and cried and prayed and felt love from. It was his kiss that made me feel like a little school girl. His smile or wink that put a little extra pep in my step. Yeah things were going all the way bad but it wasn't that bad. I don’t think I’m wrong for putting my foot down and not allowing my feelings and concerns to be put on the back burner. My delivery however could have been better. I came at him with such anger and disrespect I see how he felt I didn't have any type of respect for his feelings. The day before he left to go out of town to work he made love to me (more passionate than before) and held me so tight kissing me on my neck and telling me he loved me…I didn't even think we would end up here. I guess he had to do what he had to do before he started hating me. This year I have said how bad things were for me but he has been there for me. Hook or crook and I haven’t acknowledge that fact. He has endured a lot of my anger, pain, and sadness. I didn't even think about that. I’m in therapy for some issues I’m going through and he has come up in those convos. I really feel I have pushed him away. I don’t think it was easy for him. My children were very confused about him being gone cause we never involved them in our spats, they were clueless. They knew  mommy was happy and he was one of the reasons.

Reason for me writing this is simply to say…I have had time to think through some things and I’m acknowledging I did some wrong. I got back into a relationship with a person whose work persona limits how much of his personal life needs to be known. That when you get involved with a person who is in the “adult entertainment” field sometimes the extra that goes on is what brings the cash into the home. Nothing disrespectful…but the flirting the extra conversation is necessary…I get it. My beef with anyone who has a good woman who has your back and will be there when you are not your best needs not to hang in the background for long. You gotta put the persona up and make her feel like the only girl in the world. You gotta allow her to feel spoiled and important. This goes for anyone who is in the entertainment field. Period. When it creeps into your home and causes doubt then you need to straighten it out asap. Don’t even give her a chance to think about any other person being able to ruin a happy home.

Listen I’m not all that. I’m not thin (never will be) I’m not rich (in money) I’m not the easiest woman to convince (I’m bout action) what I am is a great woman. I take care of my kids, maintain my bills, keep a job,  love God, and I love you from my soul…those are qualities that I am proud of. I will always do right by the people I love. I will still do right even if you do me wrong. I’m not going to be disrespected and never going to be treated like anything less than a lady. I miss my other half…and he misses me but we both know we gotta get things together. I want to carry his last name. I want to be the motivation behind the scenes. I want him to be who and what he told me he would be. We just need to be on the same page…right now we are not. Too bad so sad. God will have the last word on this situation… I've placed my worries,fears, tears, and questions on his altar. My regret now is involving outside people in our spats. Sometime they can drive and wedge with their opinions and/or assumptions of your situation. That was the first and last time i will entrust sensitive information about anything to anyone period. 
What will be, will be i believe  Love never fails…we do. Thanks for reading.

Validation ~ Checks out

I've been actually hovering over this blog for a few days. I have a big issue with a lot of things in my life right now. Relationship issues I don’t have cause I no longer have a relationship. As the days go by I notice we don’t talk as much, text or even take the time to make time for each other anymore. Basically it’s over and there may be no fixing it. I never in my life needed a man to validate if I’m worthy of anything. I add value to myself. I make me look good. My skills make me an asset. So if I’m the loneliest girl in the world it’s because of my doing, not cause of whose in my life and who isn't.

 I used to think no one will want me if he doesn’t. After several years of bad relationships, I’m pushing back from the spectrum and just observing. I won’t be pining over no one and crying over nothing. This was my position in late 2009 and I let love back in and it wasn’t bad but it was a lesson. When that was over amicably we stayed friends and still are cool…no strings attached. Then lost love shows up and sweeps me off my feet only to drop me when the going got tough. My ass is starting to hurt from being dropped so many times.

 I need to value my sanity and protect what little heart I have left. Rebuild my trust and my faith in love. I don’t wanna keep rambling but this is what flashed in my head when I started typing validation. I love so hard and am so faithful. I am starting to think is it worth it? Maybe I should be a money hungry bitch that gives up the goodies and gets her bills paid with no love lost. Not in my nature but hey a change may be in order…I won’t validate if I follow through lol.

Day 28 - Bed buddy anyone?

28. If you had a choice between a love relationship and just sex (guaranteed)… which would you choose?

i have had just a sex based relationship when i was younger and bitter at the relationship thing. But today i wouldnt be able to deal with just sex relationship. I dont wanna be 40 years old still messing with a bed buddy. I love to be in love. I dont know if the current situation doesnt work, i dont find myself interested in another relationship. Only thing even if you have an understanding with someone that "this is just sex" you may develope feelings for that person or vice versa. thats just human nature or me. When i give someone my body its a experience not an action. i have had plenty of opportunities to just be someone's bed buddy...but i dont want that anymore. I want to be someones wife, soulmate, lover, and friend. I choose love over lust anyday.