I started typing this yesterday but stopped. I was talking with some sistars of mine about always having the words to say for someone else but never for myself. I take full responsibility for any and everything I haven’t achieved. Due to whatever circumstance. I feel like my focus has often been distracted by things I shouldn’t let interfere with my progression. I’ve let love excuses and bad influences drain my common sense. I’ve always got a good word for someone but when it comes to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t really have a plan right now. I know what I need to do but now how I’m going to manage a lot of things. As I stated on FB my boss reminded me no one is standing in my way of greatness but excuses… I took it to heart.
It’s been many time where I wanted to call the fathers of my kids and tell them to come get their kids for a little while so I can get some things in order. But I’d be too scared those clowns wouldn’t do everything I do for my kids. Sad that I feel that way. I even dropped that bomb on my daughters dad, I asked him if God forbid something happened that I couldn’t be around for her could he manage. He say yeah I asked him what was her blood type and where is her birthmark, and what is her pediatrician name…dude went blank. I went off. All parents whether custodial or not should know or have access to everything involving their kid. The other one…smh I wouldn’t trust him to take care of my son’s issues right now, I have enough trouble. Those are things that trouble me and make me think of how irresponsible I was to be birthing these children with these fellas. But hey they here I love them and there is nothing that will change that. Nothing.
Matters of the heart….well I really been trying to put that one behind me. It’s hard cause there are things you share, remember, crave and desire. Doesn’t stop cause the contact between the two has come to an end. I am very hard on myself lately. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not ambitious enough? Am I worth the fight? Am I ready to start over? Things I wanna just put in a box and bring them out when my mental is better. I don’t want to continue to try and figure where I may have went wrong with any of my past relationships. I am a prize…and I didn’t lose a damn thing. They lost me. I am totally convinced that I didn’t my best and that really all I could do. I still get lonely. I still want things my way. I also need to let my heart rest. The rollercoaster needs repair…I stuck a wrench in that mofo.
2 comments:
It seems like Mary J is constantly saying what you feel Budda.
Yes indeed she does...that's why I use her music
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