I need a Reset....only if it was that easy

Hmmmm.... i have so much that i don't like right now. I wish i could not care about anyone anymore. I hope those who have pissed me off lately know..i wont be carrying them over into 2013. I have grown very uninterested in reading or contributing to anything as of lately. It always turns out that someone will always take me being direct the wrong way. I'm not being a bitch, I'm being completely honest. I have respect for others feelings, but not sympathy for the things you can control. Sugar coating shit has never been one of my best personality traits. Go head analyze what i write..correct my grammar...judge my writing style. This isn't high school or college. I'm not awaiting approval from no body. Everything i write the way i talk...freely.

I said i was getting tired of the cyber world as far as FB goes i will be limiting my time to my groups. I barely read or comment on other peoples post cause it ain't worth it. Just like i was told don't post in a public forum and not expect everyone to have a different take on you. I define me. I don't and won't allow people to tell me who i am. Who i gotta be, what's OK to say. Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on. Flat out I have a different take on life. I am going to take my power back. I have allowed so much extra to consume me. This isn't a resolution it's a life change. Most cant say that with a straight face i can and will. I'm erasing my phone contacts and keep the numbers of those i do talk to, those i text, those i Tango with...because they communicate back with me...not just when they see a off the wall status of mine. 

See I'm pressing the restart button. I allowed the devil to change my whole life this year. Not a person the actual devil. I allowed things to get topsy turvy. I shut down on the one person who has been down for me cause i was fighting with this demon. I have to take some of the blame cause Lord knows i wasn't thinking clearly. One night i prayed for clarity and whew chile did i get a big kick in the face. Lost a friend (she lost me) and started letting insecurity into my relationship. I don't know how much God was in that but it happened so quick. I have opened the door to my future...it's not going to be an easy ride but i am going to try my best to keep it together. My children tell me all the time that they are happy and comfortable. I need to chill. I will never get to comfortable ever cause when i do the shit goes all bad.

You can't help who you love but you can help who you allow to be in your life. Love isn't a reason to stay together. I've said that before. I have zero interest in starting over. I don't want to be nothing but friends. This has been a rough one for me. I just want to be happy with Angie first. I'm back to working out, i try to eat right, and i try to keep my health on track. Once all that gets back into sync i will be a happy camper. Notice i didn't make anyone responsible for my happiness...it starts with me i get it! Yesterday was a bad day for me...i was angry and didn't know why. I am up typing this at 5am. I've been up every morning at this time on my off day. My thoughts are swirling around..i will put those on paper, they don't belong out here. For those who stop by and peep what i write thanks. For those who make snide comments in their blogs in reference to me Thanks...its my shit i do what i please Got It? It's all love boo. Smooches. 

wouldn't it be nice!!

I must be a fool...or it's just you

"Telephone line

I sit by and wait for your call

here all alone

wondering who you're talking to 

Maybe I'm a fool in love

Maybe I'm a fool in love

Maybe I should just give up

I'm just a fool in love

Must be a fool in love."

Feeling like a plum dumb fool right now...not a new feeling but a uneasy feeling. Sometimes giving your best ain't good enough. Its like some are so use to the world being  against them they don't know how to handle it when someone has their best interest at heart. You want them to succeed and have something to be proud of. Give them the opportunity to hold their head high even if its not the best circumstances. We all need the support love and even the honesty from the ones they love. Its called unconditional love.When you are programmed in your head that "i'm right and everyone else is wrong" you clearly have life messed up. Obviously your ducks are not completely in a row if shit still is not going in a positive direction. I'm not into kicking people when they are down..never have never will cause i know what that feels like. I'll give a person my last so they won't go hungry angry or be embarrassed but will they go the extra mile for me? Not that i ask for reciprocation for everything i do, but you really do get tired of the lack of support and the extra bullshit that you don't really gotta go through to show a person that you care. Its indeed getting old....real old.

Love and Truth Challenge revisited (sort of)

So i was revisiting a challenge I participated in and i really wish i had an opportunity to revisit this one but that was a tough one to go through. I really truly wish that there were more good than bad things to mention when it comes to matters of the heart. I have learned by re-reading them i am making some same mistakes in my current relationship. Difference is we have a tighter bond than my prior relationships. 

Hindsight... baby is a motherfucker. I got people calling me and telling me I haven't left their mind and they couldn't really move on after doing me wrong. Some just bluntly throw the new chick up in my face like i care. I actually pray for a better outcome for them. I have been bitten by the love bug and spit out like old gum way too many times. I have the experience to know that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...the muthafucka is a duck. You cannot rewrite a bad novel and resale it to me....with a new cover. 

I really do have mad love for my man right now. I want him to be successful. I want him to feel like he deserves me. Yes DESERVES me. I will no longer belittle my worth for any type of love. I want to be his wife one day but i want all demons and all that out his system. I will not go into another year feeling the way i did mid way through this year. Yeah i know it has its ups and downs but like I've said in many blogs I'm not into roller-coasters and i will get off when I'm ready. No man on this Earth will have the chance to say i got my way with her and didn't have to work for it.

I'm starting to worry more as i grow older but i shouldn't. What will be will be. I worry bout bills, kids and health. I crave stability. I'm talking bout that $200million dollar security. It's coming... maybe not the money but i will have my stability. Come hell or high water baby i claim it. I'm not going to suffer, be bitter, or go into some anti-man shell fuck that.

Love and the Truth will set you free....

Those who still stop by my blog and drop a line or two thank you those who breeze by thank you too nosey butt. Goodnight y'all.

Untitled...

Destiny is what brought us close

we are turned on by the sound of each others voice

the whisper of i love you in the loudest room

comes crystal clear to my ear

makes my heart skip a beat

makes me feel the sonic boom

i justify my feelings from the spinning of this room

I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love

on repeat surround sound too

breathing slowly so i can turn down this tune

insatiable is how i feel when I'm with you

I'm lost in your arms

i swoon like the movies

from some things you do

i never knew a love like this before

hmmm i should say true

you simply satisfy me

you make me feel good

you sing the sexiest serenade

you make the hakuna matata ooze

purr even a sudden monsoon

you make love to every inch

every limb

you perform the whole set

no censor no mute button

just me the camera and you

many would think i worry cant i trust you

the question is if your word is your bond

I'm gone ride or die for you too.

~Lykebudda2012~

Random Write (poem)

Listening to my heart

Boom boom boom boom

Its strong its alert

Its stable

It is not without scars

It is within normal limits

Nothing gets close enough to penetrate it

My past

My present

My feelings

My dealing

My world is in need of constant change

Nip tuck here and there

My alarms are on my bs meter is on sensitive

That’s all I got right now

That’s all I can give

I’m in need of rescue

I am fleeing for refuge

I don’t want to contain this flame

that is burning

to be exposed

you know that love that makes your toes

curl

head swirl

wake up feeling like a brand new girl

just don’t want the rug pulled out

open the door for distrust

I’ve learned from the best no doubt

all I want is a clear shot

to be truly happy

no bullshit

I’ve had enough of that…it must feel real

or I’m throwing the deuces.

~Lykebudda™2012©~

Can I breath again? Yes I can.

I’ve tried to just muffle this joy… I have been silent about what is taken place in my world. I have had a lot of question marks, exclamation points, and very firm periods over these last couple years. I have placed a block on my heart and it’s hard to penetrate this security system that many have been briefly interfaced. I’m not  beyond repair its just on high alert and in need of the real thing. I think…I think, I hope, I pray that Mr. Forever has entered my world. I have been head over heels for a man before…but this time it’s the other way around. He is so into me. Caters to me, Calms me, assures me and apologizes for whatever I have been through that has me questioning his every move and vice versa. We are >>>>>here<<<< yo.

I REALLY exhaled this week he asked me something that I have been dying to hear for my whole life…I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes. I said it’s a possibility. For the first time in a long time I felt like a school girl. I’ve been celibate for a few months and it hasn’t worked for several fellas  I have talked to, they find out the coochie on clink-clink and they keep it moving. *shrugs* so what. I have no interest in being anyone’s girlfriend for the rest of my life. I thought long and hard about what I want to do with my 2012. Ever since early 2008 I have been in this endless circle of bad romance. I am wore out…I can’t take another heartbreak.

Mr. Forever doesn’t come without “baggage” he has a story too. Not used to a chick like me. But ready for the real thing. There is nothing more sexy than a man who wants to learn everything about you. What makes you laugh what makes you cry…your dreams your lows and highs… I missed getting those “I’m thinking about you, how’s your day, your beautiful, winks kisses, prayers…cute quotes. I get them without saying a word…visit at lunch time just to put a smile on my face…that type of shit makes me feel special. When you got to force someone to say sweet nothings its redundant. He is putting it on me...in more ways than one (mind your biz

I know one or more of my exes read the stuff I post so I’m going to say this:

 You were a very important person in my life. I loved you. I prayed for you. I was good to you. But you were never for me and I was never for you. I thank you for your many painful lessons. The long nights of crying, questioning my worth, and heartache. I can only hope you seek out and find what truly makes you happy cause it obviously wasn’t me. I am moving forward for the benefit of my heart. I have realistic expectations that someone will love me the way I need love and accept what I have to give with open arms. It’s your loss I may not be perfect, but I am worthy of a try. Too bad I didn’t get that chance *record stopping* scratch that you didn't  take the time to appreciate my worth. Take care and have a great life. I must let you go to allow him to love me unconditionally. Love always, Budda.

I feel so free y'all I pray for the day when I will be able to say I’m glad you were the best thing I never had…its coming. everyone and everything happens for a reason. I know believe me I know. stay tuned this story can only get better. Toddles people.

Validation ~ Checks out

I've been actually hovering over this blog for a few days. I have a big issue with a lot of things in my life right now. Relationship issues I don’t have cause I no longer have a relationship. As the days go by I notice we don’t talk as much, text or even take the time to make time for each other anymore. Basically it’s over and there may be no fixing it. I never in my life needed a man to validate if I’m worthy of anything. I add value to myself. I make me look good. My skills make me an asset. So if I’m the loneliest girl in the world it’s because of my doing, not cause of whose in my life and who isn't.

 I used to think no one will want me if he doesn’t. After several years of bad relationships, I’m pushing back from the spectrum and just observing. I won’t be pining over no one and crying over nothing. This was my position in late 2009 and I let love back in and it wasn’t bad but it was a lesson. When that was over amicably we stayed friends and still are cool…no strings attached. Then lost love shows up and sweeps me off my feet only to drop me when the going got tough. My ass is starting to hurt from being dropped so many times.

 I need to value my sanity and protect what little heart I have left. Rebuild my trust and my faith in love. I don’t wanna keep rambling but this is what flashed in my head when I started typing validation. I love so hard and am so faithful. I am starting to think is it worth it? Maybe I should be a money hungry bitch that gives up the goodies and gets her bills paid with no love lost. Not in my nature but hey a change may be in order…I won’t validate if I follow through lol.

Challenge Intermission - Do better Ladies!

Now im going to need you to take this which ever you want to ladies. We need to do better including myself. Me and my girl was having a convo about a few things yesterday. How the people around and close to us are bickering over silly shit. We need to be more proud of how we represent ourselves. We need to be more respectful enough to tell a man to kick rock when he aint speaking our language. We need to heed the words we speak. Stop speaking of how much of a boss bitch you are and show it in action. Stop kicking it and spending unnecessary money when your home aint taking care of. You dont have to be seen all the time unless thats your profession, how you make money. I rather be home with my kids spending time with them nowadays cause they will be grown and gone one day and i wont have em. I dont have interest in being the topic of negative conversation cause their aint nothing anyone can say about me that i wont say about myself. Some of these dudes making a damn fool of y'all and you know it but will still mean mug the next or prospective female for what the dude doing. Men feed off that...i dont blame em. People can only do what you allow period. I grew up having a short list of friends and it has followed me into adulthood. I chose who i want to be bother with. I dont pick my friends according to status, looks, or sexual preference. If you have any issue about who I kick it with thats sounds like a personal problem. susie dont like Joan and joan dont like Peggy so neither should you type of shit. No ma'am thats YALL issue (we clear) dont wanna kick it cause they around...*shrugs* so be it. We need to support each other. I've been going through a few personal things but i will never stop smiling. Never stop being me. Never stop being honest with y'all. I hate to see my ladies being ugly towards each other...we got enough plotting against us. You can never be called weak for being the bigger person. If you been beefing with someone call em up and squash that little shit. It aint worth missing out on your best friend/sistar girl/buddy or anything else. Cuss words and all on a Sunday im sharing my thoughts. God know i'm right. 

~Angie

*for those smacking your lips and saying what Budda on today...im typing this directly to you boo-boo* :)