Desire - Of the Heart

Desire.

This word instantly makes me think of Raheem Devaughn’s song… its real sexy tune. I desire a lot of things. A actual career and a home of my own right now top this list. Everything else is a non fuckin factor at this point. Heartbreak and disappointment will do that to you.

The desires of my heart have caused me a lot of sleepless nights and a couple of boxes Kleenex. I want to be loved but not the way I have been lately. I desire a man who doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body. I know someone is out there for me but I hope I don’t miss him cause I’m tired of the bullshit. Bitter is my name right now, bad taste hasn’t left my mouth yet.

My desire for friendship has met an all-time low. People are so non-transparent to the extent I can’t deal with them. I can’t be bothered with no fake mofo’s. I can count on one hand who I can call a true blue friend. If I was drowning they would save me, even though they can’t swim type of people. It’s a shame though I think I’m a great person to be friends with. Oh friggin well.

I’m avoiding my desire for sex and not seeing a need in sharing my goods with anyone until I find that one. it’s gonna be hard for me I love to be intimate but I don’t enjoy sharing my good loving with folks who don’t deserve it or benefit me. No I’m not saying I’m selling my shit but hey I gotta home to maintain and children to raise. Like my mom would say “never lay down with someone you don’t love and walk away with just a wet ass”. Sounds lewd but it’s a great idea to me.

A few of my desires I have many more but they’re not important at this time. Not to me any damn way.

Enjoy Raheem sexy ass <3

The right Words...

I started typing this yesterday but stopped. I was talking with some sistars of mine about always having the words to say for someone else but never for myself. I take full responsibility for any and everything I haven’t achieved. Due to whatever circumstance. I feel like my focus has often been distracted by things  I shouldn’t let interfere with my progression. I’ve let love excuses and bad influences drain my common sense. I’ve always got a good word for someone but when it comes to me. I don’t know what to do.  I don’t really have a plan right now. I know what I need to do but now how I’m going to manage a lot of things. As I stated on FB my boss reminded me no one is standing in my way of greatness but excuses… I took it to heart.

It’s been many time where I wanted to call the fathers of my kids and tell them to come get their kids for a little while so I can get some things in order. But I’d be too scared those clowns wouldn’t do everything I do for my kids. Sad that I feel that way. I even dropped that bomb on my daughters dad, I asked him if God forbid something happened that I couldn’t be around for her could he manage. He say yeah I asked him what was her blood type and where is her birthmark, and what is her pediatrician name…dude went blank. I went off. All parents whether custodial or not should know or have access to everything involving their kid. The other one…smh I wouldn’t trust him to take care of my son’s issues right now, I have enough trouble. Those are things that trouble me and make me think of how irresponsible I was to be birthing these children with these fellas. But hey they here I love them and there is nothing that will change that. Nothing.

Matters of the heart….well I really been trying to put that one behind me. It’s hard cause there are things you share, remember, crave and desire. Doesn’t stop cause the contact between the two has come to an end. I am very hard on myself lately. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not ambitious enough? Am I worth the fight? Am I ready to start over? Things I wanna just put in a box and bring them out when my mental is better. I don’t want to continue to try and figure where I may have went wrong with any of my past relationships. I am a prize…and I didn’t lose a damn thing. They lost me. I am totally convinced that I didn’t my best and that really all I could do. I still get lonely. I still want things my way. I also need to let my heart rest. The rollercoaster needs repair…I stuck a wrench in that mofo.

i just don't know what to do with myself lately...i hate second guessing myself. ill get it together soon. I'll be feeling some kind of way for a while. Those who know and love me will understand what i'm saying...those who don't I ain't fo you understand. 

Day 2 - Love & Truth Challenge - You Da Best?!

2~ Best Love...what they meant/mean to you...

I can't really say that i have encountered my best love, my life is nowhere near coming to an end and no one has put a ring on it. I dont really have much to say on this one. I just hope my best love is right under my nose....or plotting to make a liar outta me.